What Do I Want To Do Today? Talk (Costume) Shop

Y’all.

I’m not sure if you know this or not, but apparently word on the street is that Halloween is coming up.

Oh. My. God-like-entity-because-people-don’t-like-hearing-me-say-God-because-it’s-bad. What am I going to do?

Side note: I wish I had a friend named Becky because e’ryday I’d be calling her up saying, “Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her… overly enlarged sense of entitlement,” or “Oh. My. God. Becky, look at… this nineteenth century fresco,” or other stupid things like that.  Now that I think about it, Becky and I probably wouldn’t be friends for long so I guess it’s for the best.

Back to the point. We all know how much I love things (that’s what she said).  Especially things that require participation.  Like dressing up.  And pretending to be someone else.  And partying.

Halloween was invented by fear-mongerers for people like me.

All this superstitious rioting sure will give fodder to those girls that just want to dress slutty for one night of the year!

But for some reason I’m just not feeling it right now.  Maybe that will change, but looking at what I have in my house, here’s what I’ve come up with for costumes so far:

  1. Snow White.  Which is a costume that I’ve already worn for the past couple of years because it’s ADORABLE.  Also, the dress fits me perfectly.  Really, I think it was made just for me. Most importantly, it’s comfortable.  You have no idea how awesome it is to be comfortable when you’re puking up “Devil’s Brew” which is really just what people call trashcan punch during Halloween. Not that that’s ever happened to me before….
  2. French maid. I have a black dress with white lace at the bottom that looks like it could pass for French maid costume if I just jazzed it up a bit.  There. It’s easy. The problem is that my French accent is horrible so I’ve decided that I’d either have to call myself “Franco-American maid” or “Québécoise maid”.  Also, I’d probably go around saying, “Stupide Américaine!  Oh wait, that’s me!”  Because seriously, we all know I’d have to play the character. I can’t just dress up and not do the character.  Honestly, whats this business about chicks dressing up as French maids and not even attempting an accent?  That’s just poor showmanship.  One year for Halloween I dressed up as a Stepford Wife.  Let me tell you, the scariest thing about that All Hallow’s Eve was how frighteningly realistic my “brain-less, subservient wife” act was and the fact that I played the part the whole night.

As you can see, these ideas are so underwhelming that I don’t even need to keep them a secret.  Really, who’s going to steal my costume ideas?

Also, looking at my list, I realize I sure do like dames that know how to clean a house. Which is sadly so appropriate for me ’cause I do love me an obsessively clean home.

So guys and gals, that’s what I got so far.

What is everyone else going to be for Halloween?  I promise I won’t steal your ideas.

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