HO. LY.  HELL.

The show is amazing, but daaaammnnn, that shit scary.

To be fair, I still scream at ET and Signs and I Am Legend and Alien and Aliens and The Ring and any Korean horror movie and really any movie where something/someone jumps out even if I’ve seen it twenty times already.

I am a lot of fun to watch movies with, y’all.

 That.  That is me.

Basically, I spent nearly every moment of The Walking Dead going, “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh goddammit why would they do that what the hell what the hell why are we watching this what the hell oh my god,” capped by loud screams or some variation thereof.  I’m sure the mister had a great time watching the show with me.

Just in case you didn’t get it the first time.

 Oh, and this is also me.

In case you didn’t catch that.

So now that I’m done being worried about zombies… well… sort of…. I still get scared at night.  Yes, I’m totally admitting that. I am also going to admit that I’ve been making plans for surviving a zombie apocalypse.  Oh girl (or guy. I’m not sure who actually reads this blog), you know I’mma share those with you.  In a couple of weeks probably.  Because even though I’m scared of zombies, I’m apparently not scared enough to actually make an action plan about them.

Anywhosits, I’ve moved on.  Because my heart (and the mister’s ears) couldn’t take it anymore.  Also because we finished all of the episodes.

Which leads me to wonder if the use of zombies is really just a statement about the insatiable, demanding nature of American TV consumers.  Which now leads me to wonder if the random ambling and stumbling around of zombies is another statement about the short attention span of American TV consumers.

Zombie?

Ok, Ok, back to the point…again.  I, as a zombie insatiable consumer TV watcher, needed decided to find another show to obsess about watch.

This time, I’m classing it up, y’all.

Downton Abbey all the way.

The mister and I started watching today and we’re already on the fifth episode.

I wonder when the zombies will come out?

They’re getting awfully upset about flowers… maybe that’s the lead in to the whole zombie thing?

I can’t wait!

One last thing:

If anyone one gives any spoiler away, I promise you, this will happen:

And then I will hunt you down and eat your brains.  Or use a Ceti eel on you.  Either way, it won’t be pleasant.  Especially the part where I Shatner all over you.

I’ve been thinking about this scene in particular today:

I’m in the middle of something that I know I should just “walk away” from, but like Moss, despite trying to leave things be, I still manage to screw up and start fires.

I can’t be the only one, right?  This happens to other people, too, doesn’t it?

I tell myself, “JUST WALK AWAY!” I even do the Moss hand gesture for walking away (really, I do), but it still doesn’t work. I still end up in the middle of things because I can’t help myself.  I feel like sometimes I’m the only person who has trouble with this.  Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut?

Am I alone?  Has this happened to you?  Or, if it doesn’t, how do you manage it?  I’d love to know.

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME (please).  *Sigh*  Ok, fine.  It’s a free country, do what you want.

But first, take a looksie!

See.  I already have gold painted walls and gigantic red silk curtains. I was kinda on track for this at some point.

It’s actually more beautiful in person, but I’m too lazy to  have you guys over to my house to show you.  I mean, I’d have to clean the place up and put pants on and… well, I just don’t see that happening any time soon.

To be fair, the bedspread is incredibly comfortable and very soft.  I might even go so far as to say the comfort/softness level is ridic.  As if it were knitted by the hands of only the smallest little sweatshop children and then broken in by wee baby chinchillas frolicking over it.

I might also go so far as to say that I am a horrible person and/or that I cannot attest to Anthropologie‘s use of sweatshops or chinchillas in their production process.

So… it’s been a slow day here.  In fact, slow enough that I bothered to read this horrible article some dumbass wrote about unicorns and wanting to marry a kindergartner that he will end up cheating on. (you might not want to actually click that link and give that troll better view stats.  I only linked to it because I felt I had to.  Also there are some NSFW-ish pics there.)

Ok, I know,  why am I mentioning this?  Well, this guy wrote two sentences that I couldn’t help but laugh at and I just had to share.

He writes:

“Good girls gone bad, the city is filled with them to paraphrase the great Jay-Z.”

 

and

“What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained.”

 

Really?  ”…to paraphrase the great Jay-Z”?   “…as Ludacris once explained”?  Did Jay-Z become a Rhodes scholar or Poet Laureate or something?  Did I miss some kind of Ted talk given by Ludicris?  Or maybe he teaches at MIT now?  Because that’s exactly what this chump makes these guys sound like.

But…

When I thought about it… that’s really awesome.  Seriously, think about it.  Ludacris giving a Ted talk?!  I would definitely watch that. Wouldn’t you? Just imagine the power point slides!

Of course I’ve been thinking about this all day and I came up with the Ted talk I thought Ludacris would give.  It would be titled:

Catching That Booty In Tha Global Community.

What kind of talk do you think Ludacris give? Or what would be the title of the poem that makes Jay-Z the next Poet Laureate?  I’d love to know what you think!  In the comments.  Not on Facebook.  Facebook is for chumps who wanna marry kindergartners.  And people like me who post their blogs there.  Don’t be like us.

Also, I came very close to titling this post: Very Bed Things.  But I didn’t.  So there.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

I hope you had your helmet on because it probably BLEW YOUR MIND.

 Like that.  But punnier.

Actually, if you’ve ever made a roux (short answer to what that is: a heated mixture of some fat and flour), then you know that I’m not that far off because it TAKES FOREVER to make. Like, FOREVER EVER.

Yes, Andre 3000, about that long.  Well, that is if you don’t want to start a flour fire on your stove (not as fun as it sounds).

Which, I’m assuming you don’t, Mr. 3000.  Nor any of the other 10 people reading this.

By the way, I have no idea why I’m having a pretend conversation with Andre 3000.  I mean, God, would it really be that boring if I were actually talking to him??  If I thought about it, I’d honestly hope we’d talk about pants made out of abominable snowman fur and the comeback of the bowtie, not how I’m too lazy to stir something for 20 minutes.

Whatever. The point is, I’ve been known to be wrong about what people may or may not want to do, so if you’re bored and want to burn the shit out of some flour, stop reading this.  However, if you want a fighting chance of getting out of your kitchen alive with a semi-decent roux, then please keep reading.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that whatever I say will be pretty useless or already touted by someone else. Because I’m not an expert.  Also I’ve never made a roux in my life until two days ago.

So with that in mind, I’mma tell you about it. Here’s how it went down:

The day started out innocently enough. I thought I’d have a nice, easy day and make some coffee, laze around, and maybe take an hour and make some crawfish etouffee.

Well, I am an idiot because it took me like three to four hours to make the damn thing.

To start, I made a stock out of the carcasses of one million crawfish, aka mudbugs, aka wee baby lobsters.  That alone took an hour.

Well, poop (or not because we de-veined all of the crawfish).  I was already in this so I was not about to give up.  Goonies never say die, y’all.  So on to the roux.

I used this guide to make it*: http://allrecipes.com/howto/all-about-roux/

It’s called ALL about roux so it has to be ALL about it, right?

What could go wrong?  Just a few minutes, you say? Easy, you say?  Sign me up!

THOSE LIARS.

Ok, well it is easy in that it’s two ingredients and it’s not rocket surgery or whatever. Yes, rocket surgery.  Because.

Because things like this exist.

But, it’s true that making a roux takes an inordinate amount of constant stirring and staring and standing.  All at the same time.  I live in a world where Twitter (TM) exists, so do you really think I can handle doing one thing for twenty to thirty minutes? (That’s what she said.)

So, just what did I learn about roux?

1. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT TURN UP THE HEAT.  It will scorch the shit out of your flour and make it gross n’ stuff.  Yes, gross n’ stuff.  
2. SLOW AND LOW, THAT IS THE TEMPO.  When in doubt, turn to the Beastie Boys for all your roux making inquiries.  Cause they represent, son.  Seriously, though, you really need to keep a low heat on that thang.
3. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S DONE?  HAS YOUR ARM FALLEN OFF YET? NO?  THEN IT’S NOT DONE.
4. WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY PUT AN EXTRA HALF CUP OF FLOUR IN IT?  Apparently this is not a deal breaker.  Proceed.  Because honestly you probably won’t realize it until you’re making the etouffee and it’s suspiciously thick and then you remember you counted out 8 tablespoons instead of 4.  Not that I would know about this.  I can just imagine how this might happen.
5. DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED AND/OR PANIC WHEN THE ROUX GOES ALL TO HELL WHEN YOU ADD VEGETABLES.  Ok, so you make the roux, and then you’re supposed add the onions and saute it all together until the onions are translucent (at least that’s what my recipe said).  Word on the street is that it will start to look like a crumbly, seized-up mess and that maybe you shouldn’t panic and add the crawfish stock early to try to fix it thus rendering your vegetables incapable of wilting thus making for a crunchy etouffee.  Supposedly, that’s not the way to do things.  Again, this is all heresay, y’all.  Not that I would ever do something like that.  I’m just trying to help you for when you do that.

Now that you actually do know ALL about roux, you may (or may not) be wondering how the etouffee turned out.  Here’s a pic:

It’s Shake ‘n Bake and I helped… by doing all the goddamn work.

So it’s not perfect and it probably doesn’t even look right, but the recipe made enough for 15 people and the mister is about 3/4 of the way through the batch.  So.. that’s success, right?

* I know there is a debate about whether or not etouffee needs a roux.  The recipe I was given uses a roux so I’d be damned if I was going to not do what the recipe said.

Oh, wait… now it’s in my head, too.

Reverse ha ha.

But what does it even mean?  Honestly, how does one stop AND collaborate AND listen at the same time?  Because that’s essentially what Mr. Ice is asking us to do.

Oh V-Ice, I don’t get you.  Also, V-Ice is the most unfortunate name ever.  I blame you for not fully thinking through your choice of rapper names.

And I only used your stupid really intelligent song lyrics because they held a tenuous connection to my topic today:

Collaborate. Collaboration. Collaborating.

Considering how much I love teamwork, it should be no surprise that I also like collaborating.  Because those words are synonyms.

So, why am I thinking about collaboration?  Well, today I came across this photo I took a couple of years ago:

 Yes, this is a moon I carved out of cheese.

At the time, a friend asked me to come up with some design ideas for a photography project requiring food and this was part of what I created.  Of course I’d make a moon out of cheese. (Call me Captain Obvious, y’all.  Yes, that is one of the worst nicknames possible, but at least it’s not “V-Ice.”)

Then I found these photos:

And this one from the other day:

 Another project I helped with for a friend.

Since finding these photos (all two hours ago) I’ve been thinking a lot about the collaboration process and what roll I typically play in it.

That is, I often find myself helping and aiding others and rarely asking for help.

I’m not complaining about that. That’s how my business came about.  While working with my friends on their projects and parties, I was unwittingly creating prototypes for my Etsy shop.  Those tags?  I use a version of them in my Etsy shop.  The banner?  I plan on putting that up in my shop soon and I also have a modified version already (just click the links and humor me, people).

But I do wonder, is my inability to ask for help hindering me?  I really hate asking for any assistance, but when I see others embrace the idea and put the word out, I see it benefit them in spades.

I guess that’s what I gotta do, too.

Sooo… anyone out there wanna help me get richer?  Just kidding.  But I do need someone to do my taxes…

I’m trying to get back into the swing of things.  I know I’ve been bad about staying in touch. It’s not you. It’s me.

I swear.

By the moon and the stars in the sky.

…

Yeah, I just did that.  You know you loved it.

Look, I know I’m not alone in the whole “trying to get back on a regular schedule after vacay” deal, so I think it’s only fair if we pretend as if this awkward space between us never existed.  Like how every Mormon handles the one gay kid in the family.

Moving on, here are some of the things I’ve been wanting to share with you since my last post:

• Yes, adding chipotle powder to brownies totally works. 

But only if you make the brownies from scratch.

Because.

• My friend, seeherknit, had her first Etsy sale!

I’m having some bubbly to celebrate.  She’s not here, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

• I made an un-art. 

Because I still can’t figure out what to put on my damn walls and I’m not talented enough to actually paint anything that isn’t brackets or straight lines.

• I hit 100 sales in my Etsy shop!!!  I actually didn’t celebrate with any alcohol because I was working on the order. See!  I’m not a total drunk!

• Speaking of which, today I learned it doesn’t pay to pretend I’m an almost alcoholic.  How do I know this??  Well, my mother-in-law called the mister in a panic because she saw this:

Which was taken a year ago, by the way.

She felt it very important to tell the mister that he shouldn’t drink.  AT. ALL.  Then she gave him statistics about why drinking was bad.  Ok, she doesn’t even have Facebook and that’s the only place this photo was posted.  We didn’t even realize she knew how to get to the internet. HOW DID SHE SEE IT??

To be honest, I thought the whole thing was hilarious. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad she hasn’t seen the millions of other photos I’ve posted.  Or most of my profile pictures.  Or this blog. (OR HAS SHE?  NOW I’M ALL PARANOID)

I (wrongly) thought it was safe to assume most everyone knows the things I post are some form of me joking around. The fact that she was panicking over us having a glass of bubbly just seemed so ridiculous to me.

I mean, these were the vacation photos I was going to post:

Why? Because these were the only photos I’ve gone through so far because they’re the only photos I’ve taken on my phone.

I take alcohol pictures like most people take food pictures.

So I’m waiting for my intervention, y’all.  It should be any day now.

• I still haven’t gone through my photos from my vacation.  I’m sure you’re totally heartbroken over that.  But, I will post them eventually because I hula hooped in central park (!) and I think the world (by world I mean the 12 of you who read this blog) need to see that.  Because it’s probably pretty funny.

Also - I’M GOING ON VACAY!!!

Yeah, I’m totally not rubbing it in.

Sorry I haven’t been posting, I’ve been getting crazy amounts of orders and/or planning for my trip.  Clearly, I haven’t been spending any time making up reasons why I’m not posting otherwise I would have come up with something better, like that I took a job as Captain Picard’s assistant but quit when I realized it was just Patrick Stewart.  Or that I directed reenactments of every episode of Days of Our Lives using only Rhesus monkeys.

I’ll post more when I get back!

I mean, not only did I not expect to find something actually helpful amidst all the shoes and motivational workout posters and yogurt parfait recipes, but really??  Why did I not know this??

Also, does that really work?  I mean, it made sense, but it was April Fool’s Day yesterday so I was on my guard.

Well, according to the internets: Yes, yes it does work.

But who am I to just go on the blind faith of what other people tell me?  I mean, who am I to do that today?  Because if it weren’t a day when I needed to write a blog post, well… who knows?

So, I tested it out using two different methods:

Unceremoniously smashing foil into the battery hole:

OR

McGyvering an adapter:

Here’s what I learned:

• Clearly shoving some foil up in that business was faster, but if I MacGyvered some adapters then I would always have them on hand.
• Also, I could keep bragging about how I MacGyvered something.  Because cool.
• However, the adapters are kind of useless in my house since we already have a ton of AA batteries for all the 800 remotes we own.  We have the one remote to rule them all, but we’re too lazy to program it.  Seriously, trekking to Mordor would be simpler than programming that bitch.
• A note if you decide to just go with the “shove it” method: if the batteries’ positive and negative ends are opposed (which they normally are), make sure to

1. put foil on the positive or negative sides only OR
2. don’t let the two sets of foil touch.

• Speaking of which, some naysayers will say to use the foil on only the positive ends or only the negative ends, but I tested both ways in addition to putting foil on one negative and one positive.  As long as there was a good connection, it was golden.  But I’m no battery scientist, so who knows.

I make no bones about the fact that my wedding was not my ideal or what I had imagined for myself.  To keep it short – yes, things went wrong (as they do with any wedding), I took on more than I should have, and I made compromises I shouldn’t have, and it ended up being more stressful than it should have.

Now, here’s where I want to clarify, and I think it’s important because when I say those things about my wedding I think my intent and meaning becomes misinterpreted in a lot of ways.

First, I never say those things to invoke a pity party.  NEVER.  When I say those things it’s generally in the context of either commiserating with friends (because who had a perfect wedding? No one.) or talking to others who are about to get married and letting them know that I understand and will do anything I can to help them (which anyone who knows me will attest to that being true).

Second, what I mean when I say those things is that yes, there were things that I wasn’t happy with, but you know what, those things revolve around me; what I didn’t do, where I made mistakes, where I should have reached out or put a stop to something, etc… That’s because I’m terribly hard on myself. It doesn’t say ANYTHING about my marriage or how I feel about my husband; it doesn’t even say that I had a bad day.  Quite the contrary, on my wedding day I put my stress and anxiety aside and actively made the choice to be happy, even when I was told about things going wrong.  And we had a good day.  A great day in fact – which I think is a testament to how much love was present; that in the face of what could have amounted to so what some might refer to as a “clusterfluff” (I’m trying to keep it clean, Mom.  Aren’t you proud of me?), we could still be happy and surrounded by love.

And for what it’s worth (yes, I’m going to brag on myself because I really can be calm and collected when it’s needed), my wedding planner told me I was the calmest, most reasonable bride she had ever worked with, and I think it’s true because I realized the importance of letting it go and just enjoying what was happening.  When I talk about it now, I liken weddings to a train that can’t be stopped.  I don’t say train wreck.  I would never say that.  I say that it is a train that’s on a roll and is going whether you’re on it or not.

Lastly, and somehow this is the part that the conversation never seems to get to, which I wish it did because I think it would eliminate any misconceptions, my wedding showed me what I really have and how much greater it is than I ever would have been able to realize on my own.  And maybe in conversation I would never be able to voice it correctly, but this is what I mean:  We had family come in from all over to be with us.  Friends of family we had never even met showed us so much love and kindness.  We had some amazing vendors that I am still friends with to this day, three years later. I was able to experience a part of my husband’s life and family that I otherwise never would have been privileged to see and I was accepted without question.  I was able to meet childhood friends of his and they, as a result, became my dear friends.  We had family jump to help without any reservation.  And most importantly, I learned not only how many friends we really have, but how many of them are truly family.  They logged countless hours putting in so much care and effort and love to make sure we had a good day(s). (Fun fact: Indian wedding days are like Lays chips – you can’t have just one, it seems.)  Many of them stayed up late the night before our (morning) wedding working on projects that I had dropped at their feet last minute and then ran.  One of my friends even stayed up that whole night working on our programs.

So here’s the lowdown: I really believe that one can look back at an experience and acknowledge the imperfections while still appreciating the importance and wonderfulness of it. Acknowledging imperfection doesn’t make it any less beautiful or significant. And I’m not saying I’m perfect and realized this overnight and suddenly it was flowers and sunshine for the rest of my days, but I did eventually realize it and I think that’s what’s important.

And, now that I’ve been serious for waaaay tooooo long, here’s something I saw today that made me laugh.  A lot.  I still laugh when I think about it:

“Doctors” say whaa?  (also, this is not my cleavage. Sorry)

FIVE YEAR STUDY?!  GERMAN SCIENTISTS?!  I know it sounds totally plausible, but sorry, y’all.  It’s not real.

 Click the image.

Dare you.

Actually it just takes you to GLAAD’s website. Whee!

Just in case you’ve been living under an especially large rock that doesn’t have high-speed Facebook (ok, the internet), this image is a red version of the Human Rights Campaign‘s logo.  It’s gone viral on Facebook (and I guess elsewhere, but I wouldn’t know because I’m too scared to use Instagram and Twitter) as supporters of marriage equality have been posting this logo to their profile pictures in a show of solidarity.

 Why now?  The Supreme Court began oral (hee hee) arguments today regarding two cases on marriage equality:

 Infographics are way more entertaining than me just typing this shit out.

In addition, supporters are being asked to wear red today.  Well, I wear red like, every day so I think I deserve a medal.  Or a cookie.  Or something.

I think I’ll just stick with the hat.  I have a thing for weird hats.  The mister has a thing for screaming and acting like a monkey.  The point is – I’m wearing red.  Actually this was taken yesterday.  See, preemptive red.  I’m also wearing red today, but no pants, so I figured I shouldn’t take a picture.  Because I’m too lazy to put pants on.

But I’m not too lazy stand up for marriage equality! (as long as y’all don’t mind my lack of pants)