I haven’t posted in a really long time. A lot has been going on. I think that if I continue this blog, it will change drastically.
But for now, though, I need to get something off my chest.
In fact, this post regards literally just that – my chest.
Years ago I went to a Halloween costume party dressed as Athena. This was the costume that I wore:
Yeah, I know, it was a cheap costume. But, I thought it looked good on me. In fact, I’d been having a lot of trouble with confidence at that time and I was really excited to find something that I felt good in. I really, really felt good about myself for once. Sure, everything I wear somehow becomes really cleavage-y, but it was Halloween, so I though I’d get a pass. I was just happy to feel like I looked pretty for once.
Funny how quickly feelings can change.
I went to a house party and everything was going really well. It was just very chill and we were hanging out and talking. Nothing crazy, but still a lot of fun.
A friend of mine walked in and the first thing he said was, “Wow, that costume is PERFECT.” Now you should know that this friend is so insanely picky and reserved with his compliments that I can only think of four times in the ten years I’ve known him that he’s actually complimented me. I guess it’s a good tactic because I do really remember each compliment. But, needless to say, this guy doesn’t really dole out the praise, so I felt so good about my choice at that point since clearly other people thought I looked nice too (I had been receiving compliments from everyone else prior to that, too)
But that would soon change.
Another girl friend of mine arrived. This guy friend and that girl friend, well… they both can get kind of mean when they get together. They get along really well and have a good chemistry but it doesn’t often bode well for me. So I make a beeline for anywhere else because I know that it is not a good road. Just as an example – they once made fun of my last name (Phillips). How do you even do that when you’re not in the third grade?? But they thought it was hilarious and were in stitches over it. I was just more confused than anything else about it. But the point is that I knew to avoid them.
After about an hour I walk into the kitchen to get a drink not knowing they were in there. My girl friend immediately turns to me and starts talking about my dress…. and not in a nice way. She then starts saying she can’t stop staring at my breasts. My other friends immediately agrees and then they both start making fun of how ridiculous I look because everything I wear makes my boobs look huge.
An hour earlier, this guy friend had been complimenting me and telling me how nice I looked. And now, they’re asking if I’m a hooker and if I really think my dress can hold my boobs in because it looks like it’s going to burst open.
I left the party crying.
I called her the next day and told her how hurt I was. She said, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive. What else do you want me to say?”
So I tried to let it go because I knew that neither of them would ever really consider their actions hurtful.
Y’all.. This was years ago.
I still cry when I think about it.
I’m not really friends with the girl any more… she always instigated the meanness it seemed anyways.
But I am sort of friends with the guy.
And I can’t seem to let this hurt go. Clearly I don’t think about it all the time and it’s not in the forefront of my thoughts… but… I do think about it from time to time.
And I know that bringing it up to them will be useless. It really was years ago. They would just get upset at me for holding on to something for so long. And honestly, I’m upset at myself for holding on to this because why would I even care what people who don’t care about me think? But I do.
So this is where I am. I don’t know how to get over hurt.
How do you handle it? Can someone guide me?