What Do I Want To Do Today? Expose The Devil That Is White Chocolate

There is a traitor amongst us, y’all.  Creeping in, like a thief in the night to maul your taste buds.  Sure, you may convince yourself that he’s pretty innocuous and if you try hard enough you might even be able to trick yourself into thinking that his chalky, paste-like taste is pretty good.

But you’re wrong.

Who is this dastardly a-hole?  His name is white chocolate and he’s filled with milk solids and lies.

And he thinks he’s better than you!

Heinous taste abominations aside, here’s the real reason why you should fear this monstrosity of nature:

White “chocolate” ISN’T EVEN CHOCOLATE.

That’s right.  In order for something to be considered chocolate, it must contain cocoa liquor, but white “chocolate” has no cocoa liquor.  Guys.  You know how I feel about things without liquor. (Yes, I know that cocoa liquor is non-alcoholic liquor and is called cocoa solids when cocoa butter/fat is extracted from it. BUT STILL).

Also, the FDA doesn’t even consider white “chocolate” to be chocolate.  So there. The only reason white “chocolate” is allowed to be called chocolate is because it has cocoa butter in it (the fat that is extracted from cocoa liquor when it’s pressed).

Just so you know what the deal is, yo, I drew an infographic of how the process of real chocolating happens.  Mostly it was because got tired of reading about the process and not looking at pictures (and I wonder why I have trouble reading novels).

 

Basically what I’m saying is that I expect lies here:

Are you really surprised about this?

and here:

Wait, you’re saying what happens when I sing?

But not here:

One of these things is not like the other because one of these things is a liar.

And get this – there’s an even shittier version of shitty white “chocolate” that people confuse for white “chocolate”.  Yeah, it doesn’t even have any cocoa butter in it.  Instead it has cottonseed oil or palm oil.

It looks like this:

Not sure how anyone can think this is white chocolate.

And it makes me feel like this:

 

So just think about that the next time you’re eating a piece of the devil’s confection.  How do those lies taste now?  Chalkier than ever.  I KNOW.

 

 

Here are some links if you’d like to read up on it:

http://www.chocolatecafeftcollins.com/chocolatefacts.html

http://candy.about.com/od/candyglossary/g/def_whitechoc.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_chocolate

http://ask.yahoo.com/20030106.html

http://science.howstuffworks.com/innovation/edible-innovations/chocolate.htm

What Do I Want To Do Today? Find My Motivation

I’ve been slacking.  I didn’t even write a post on Friday like I should have and this is being posted early Tuesday morning (instead of Monday).  I just can’t seem to get out of this funk.

I could make excuses – I have allergies (I really do!), I’m tired (I really am!), children wear me out (OH GOD), there’s a spot on my back that’s itchy and I can’t reach it…

You get the idea.

So, I’ve been trying to find my motivation.  I know, it sounds ridiculous.  Chalk it up to my days in the theatre because we all know I love a little bit of the dramatic.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to try to find said motivation:

Drinking.

I try to hide, but the Bombay keeps finding me.

Cleaning.

Well, that sucks.

Giving my dog IQ tests.

My dog is smart!

Listening to music.

Music is serious business.

Reading.

Reading is FANTASTIC!

Reading to my dog.

My dog is SMART!

Playing Streetfighter.

Take that you dumb Russian dude!

Taking pics of myself being emo.

Life is an unparalleled burden of things n’ stuff.

Making lists.

This is a list. This is on my fridge. Maybe it’s not real. Maybe it is.

 

 

 

Maybe something will stick.  Hopefully soon because this is some BS.

So what do you do to get yourself motivated?

 

 

What Do I Want To Do Today? Celebrate The Awesomeness That is Alcohol

In honor of National Margarita Day (which, btw, this blog misses because that was Feb 22nd and it’s technically Feb 23rd right now) I wanted to post this gem of study:

Abstaining from alcohol significantly shortens life

Take that, you teetotalers!  Not only do you get the worst name in the history of anything ever, but now you’re gonna die sooner, too.

Man, that blows.

So, uh… here are some pics of me drinking:

My mom is so proud.

Also, why will no one buy me a fancy sombrero??

 

What Do I Want To Do Today? Create A Diversion

I’ve been neck deep in tulle and tutus, invitation templates, and turmeric (yes, really).  I can’t explain what all of that means right now, but I can show you these:

I make tutus for both human and non-human little girls.

Don’t you just want to roll in it?

But the rest, well, I’ll just have to explain later.   Until then I’ll just - OMG LOOK AT THAT!

P.S. – In my mind I think I look like #13 when I dance, but if I’m being honest with myself, I probably look like #92.   Which one do you think you look like/want to look like?

What Do I Want To Do Today? Prove, Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt, That Homemade Marshmallows Are Better Than Store Bought Marshmallows

Oh, who am I kidding.  I’m not going to prove anything.

Because. I. Don’t. Need. To.

Everyone already knows that homemade anything trumps store bought whatever.

Clearly indisputable evidence.

So instead, I’m just going to post pics of delicious homemade Mexican Vanilla Marshmallows in various states of eatiness and awesomeness.

I was excited to learn that homemade marshmallows toast really well and that the Mexican Vanilla flavor makes the s’more taste even better (in my opinion). In short, I’m never going back to store bought.

Bonus: Give these s’mores to your niece and nephews to make them go faster.  Oh, and maybe puke. (Auntie Erin’s the best!)

What Do I Want To Do Today? Valentine’s Edition: Make Something Out Of (Almost) Nothing

I promise that this is the last Valentine’s related post!

The mister and I have a tradition of setting up an indoor picnic each year for Valentine’s Day.  It started several years ago when we tried to have a picnic outside and nearly froze so I just set up everything on the living room floor with blankets and the picnic basket and we had a great time.  It was so much fun that the idea just stuck and each year since we’ve done some riff on “indoor picnic” (last year I themed it up with a Dia de los Muertos inspired picnic.  Weird, I know, but if you know anything about Dia de los Muertos, it actually makes sense and I set up an ofrenda to remember our loved ones.)

Don’t these skulls just scream romance?

For our picnic this year, I knew I needed to keep it under wraps and not go too overboard (you have no idea how hard this is for me). I know we’ve gone on a bit of a spending rampage (at least it seems that way to me), as evidenced here and here. Yes, those were calculated purchases made only after much saving and hemming and hawing occurred, but I’m feeling like we need to get back to some kind of frugality so my goal was to set up something fun that required little to no spending at all.  Also, since things have been kind of hectic around here I had to come up with something that wouldn’t take a lot of time to put together.

Luckily, I managed to avoid spending any money with this one and it only took about an hour to get it set up.  Here’s what I came up with:

Hope everyone else had a great Valentine’s Day.  What did you guys do?

What Do I Want To Do Today? Valentine’s Edition: Do What’s Most Important

I was originally going to make a ridiculous post about all the silly, dumb things I love.  We all have those lists – those toys, foods, movies, whatever that we just adore. I love hula hoops and candy! and bicycles and dirty jokes… etc…

But something happened to a very sweet lady in my very extended family and the outlook is… well… I don’t know.  Such is the fragility of life.  And I just couldn’t bring myself to make this stupid, piddly little list about all the things that I “love.”

I know there can be some hate for Valentine’s day because it seems to be, and often can be, just so commercial.  I know there are those that think it’s a watered down, automatonic (yes, I “love” to make up words) way to show that special someone they are important and actually if you really loved them you would make an effort to show it every day instead of just on a Hallmark-sponsored day.  I definitely understand that viewpoint and I can see why some people think this, but, I don’t see it that way.

One of the reasons I love Valentine’s Day is that I see it as a sort of helpful reminder to show our loved ones that they are meaningful and loved.  Sometimes we get caught up, we’re busy, and sometimes we forget to even say a simple, “I love you.”  It happens; it’s true. However, Valentine’s Day is set aside just so that if we want we can choose (or not) to take time out to show we care.

So, instead of my original post, and instead of sitting here typing out a myriad of ultimately meaningless things, I’m going to do what I think is most important and what I feel is most in line with the spirit of Valentine’s Day: spending time with and helping those that I love.

That’s the best way I can think of to show how much I love them.

And to those out there reading this: I love you, too and I wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day.

What Do I Want To Do Today? Valentine’s Edition: A Myth

Valentine’s Day is coming up, yo.  In honor of that (cause you know I love to celebrate me some holidays) I’m going to make my next couple of posts about something related to love and/or Valentine’s Day.

I know, that’s some los huevos patético right there.  (look at my mastery of the language. I didn’t even take Spanish in high school, y’all!)

So I totally get it if you suddenly remember that you have to go switch your cable service provider, or get back to work, or something stupid like that.

If Valentine’s Day and love and all that jazz aren’t your thing, no worries.  I don’t blame you. Next Friday I’ll be back to my random shenanigans.

If you’re still here and reading along, then hooray! Today I’m going to share one of my favorite myths: Eros and Psyche.

Be warned, this gets mushy.  Really mushy.  Like, “I’m posting a whole scene from a play because it’s OMG so amazing and it speaks to me and you just have to read it!” mushy.

If you’re not familiar with the story of Eros and Psyche, the Wiki will catch you up.

And if you don’t like reading, well… that’s odd cause you’re here. But if you don’t like reading, then look at this broad kissing a dude whom I suspect just drank a red bull.

I’m not sure what it is about the myth of Eros and Psyche. Like all myths, the story is a little messed up.  I mean Psyche was just curious and wanted to take a peek at the dude who’s been “visiting her every night” (after her parents left her on a mountain cause she couldn’t find a husband?!) and suddenly she’s got to go through all these trials cause apparently he can’t handle a little hot oil even though he’s a god.  DUDE.

I know, I know, this story is an allegory (and quite a great one at that) so all that weird stuff means something (English teachers LOVE me, btw).

So instead of explaining what you already know about the story and/or are all smart enough to figure out, I’m going to leave you with this scene from Mary Zimmerman’s Metamorphoses.  This is her version of Eros and Psyche and I find it wonderful. See?  Total mushy.

Imagine a stage with the audience seated around it on three sides.  The stage itself is a large, rectangular pool with a 3 foot deck that extends completely around the pool.  Characters Q and A sit on opposite sides of the deck.  Eros and Psyche interact in the pool.

Q:  Who is this?
A:  This is Eros, god of love.

Q:  Why does he have wings?
A:  So he can move quickly from body to body.

Q:  Why is he naked?
A:  To make us transparent.

Q:  To make us what?
A:  Transparent in our love.  Foolish to others.  Exposed.

Q:  Why is he blind?
A:  He is always pictured blind, but he really isn’t.

Q:  Because in love we are so ignorant and so compulsive?
A:  There’s that.

Q:  What else?
A:  He is blind to show how he takes away our ordinary vision, our mistaken vision, that depends on the appearance of things.

[Eros lies down on the raft to sleep.  throughout the following, Psyche enters, carrying a candelabra.  She makes her way down the stairs and along the deck, very slowly and quietly.]

Q:  Who’s this coming down the stairs?
A:  Her name is Psyche.

Q:  Psyche?  Her name is Psyche?
A:  Yes.

Q:  What’s she doing here?
A:  She’s married to the god, but she’s never seen him.

Q:  Why is that?
A:  He forbids it.

Q: How did they meet?
A:  Psyche was so beautiful, the goddess Aphrodite hated her.  She sent her son to punish her, but he fell in love instead.

Q:  Does she know that he is a god?
A:  No.  She suspects he is a monster.

[Psyche is startled by something.  She looks over her shoulder, then continues along the deck.]

Q: Have they had sex already?
A: Oh yes.

Q: And how was that?
A: It was good.

Q: Then why does she suspect he is a monster?
A: Her jealous sisters told her so.

[Psyche is startled again.  Then she continues.]

Q: And she listened to them?
A: Unfortunately, yes.

Q: So now she’s coming to see him as he sleeps?
A: Yes.

Q: To make certain.
A:  Yes.

Q: With her eyes.
A: Yes.  She’s very young.  It happens all the time.

Q: She doesn’t trust what she has felt herself?
A: Not with the radical trust we need.

[Psyche steps into the pool.  She moves slowly, so as not to make noise.  She approaches the sleeping Eros and holds the candelabra over him, looking.  This happens in silence.]

Q: What does the word “Psyche” mean?
A: In Greek it means “the soul.”

[Wax from the candles falls on Eros.  He wakes suddenly and turns abruptly towards Psyche.  They stare at each other a long moment.  Then in one motion, she extinguishes the candelabra in the water.  She and Eros begin to separate under the following.]

Q:  What’s going to happen to her now?
A:  She’s going to suffer.

Q: And?
A: She’s going to suffer.

Q: And?
A: She’s going to suffer.

Q: What does she have to do?
A: She is given horrible and lonely tasks by Aphrodite.

Q: Such as?
A: Sorting thousands of little seeds from the other.

Q:  How did she manage?
A: Some little insects help her.

Q:  Like in fairy tales?
A: Like in all the fairy tales.

Q:  What else?

[Psyche sinks into the water.]

A.  She had to go down to the Underworld, fetch various things.

Q:  Wasn’t she afraid?
A:  She was petrified, but she did it all the same.

Q: Wasn’t it hopeless?
A:  It was hopeless, but she did it all the same.

Q:  What did Love do in the meantime?
A: He healed his little wound.  It hurt him so much when she looked at him like that.  The wax from the candle fell on him and burnt him.

Q: How does it end?
A: She finishes her tasks and Zeus declares enough’s enough.

Q: He overrides Love’s mother?

[Eros and Psyche look at each other.  They begin to move toward each other.]

A:  Yes and further, he gives Psyche a special potion and she becomes immortal.  the he declares their marriage will last forever.

Q: Does it?
A: Of course.

Q:  So it has a happy ending?
A: It has a very happy ending.

[Eros and Psyche approach the raft and sit on it together.]

Q: Almost none of these stories have completely happy endings.
A: This is different.

Q: Why is that?
[Psyche and Eros kiss.  And Kiss again.]
A:  It’s just inevitable.  The soul wanders in the dark, until it finds love.  And so, wherever our love goes, there we find our soul.

Q: It always happens?
A: If we’re lucky.  And if we let ourselves be blind.

Q:  Instead of watching out?
A: Instead of always watching out.
[Silence]

 

When I saw this play, there was not a dry eye in the house.  Big old bearded dude next to me was BAWLIN.

Ballin’?

Nope.

Oh, ballllin’.

Nope.

Oh…. OH!

Yup.

 

So tell me, what’s your favorite myth or love story?

What Do I Want To Do Today? Figure Out Why Black History Month Is In February

Is it because it’s the shortest month?  Or because February is the month of love and St. Valentine?  Or is it because of some well-timed birthdays, a dude who just wanted a week of recognition, and someone in the government shrugging and saying, “Aww, whatevs.  Let’s just make it a whole month.”

It’s that last thing. Wikipedia and The Huffington Post told me so.

Oh, the government.

 

Sorry for the short post.  I think my brain is still fried from watching reality TV.

And now for something completely different:

Or not.

What Do I Want To Do Today? Learn Some Current Slang

I’ve begun to realize that I just might be on the precipice of “a certain age.”   What I mean is that I realize that I’m not exactly… well.. youthful anymore.  I’m not saying that I’m suddenly going to start forwarding chain emails and shop at Talbots (how do I know these things??), but I do know that I’m certainly not a part of the age 18-24 demographic (honestly, I haven’t been for a while) and with each passing year, I’m getting further and further and further away from it.

Not that this really scares me (not yet, anyways).  But, turning into this does:

I don’t even have kids and the thought of this gives me the heebie-jeebies and breaks me out in cold sweats.  I feel as though all that separates me from youth and the path of inevitable “uncoolness” are a couple of steps.  If that’s even what the damn kids are calling it these days.

In this metaphor, I’m the sheep.

To make sure I’m not completely out of the loop, and that I can at least maybe hold a conversation with the youth of today (since I have nieces and nephews that will soon be hitting young adult-dom and collegedom), I thought I’d do a little research to make sure I was on the up and up regarding current slang.

Clearly I’m not looking to learn every slang term out there. Especially considering that there are different genres of slang (tween slang, stoner slang, college slang, some other shit I probably don’t care about slang, etc..).  And frankly, that’s what Urban Dictionary is for (especially the dirty stuff). However, I am going to look for phrases I think might be helpful to know.

To start this very scientific bit of research, I tried to recall all of the tween/young adult shows I had heard of and then I watched a couple of episodes of each.  Keep in mind, I hadn’t watched any of these shows before. EVER.

O.M.G. y’all.

I watched Jersey Shore, Gossip Girl, Keeping up With the Kardashians, and for a couple extra shits and giggles I watched Hanna Montana.  By the time that was all over with, I was too tired to watch 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.

Then I had to go scrub my brain out with a toothbrush.

The first step is to get some amoebas right up in there. Think of it as scrubbing bubbles for your brain.

I don’t recommend doing any of that, btw.

I took some notes.  They got pretty incoherent so I’ll try to keep it short (haha, fat chance).

Jersey Shore: No one on that show can clearly define what the hell a Guido is. I also learned that a Snooki was a person and not a thing or action. Lastly, the most entertaining thing about the show: how often Snooki got punched.  Freakiest thing about the show:

All the dudes have the exact same ‘straight across the forehead’ hairline. WEIRD.

Gossip Girl: What the what?  Some rich spoiled high school kids drink martinis and champagne.  MARTINIS!  What?  Beer I can understand.  Champagne, well, fine they’re rich.  I get it.  Champagne sets the privileged apart from the hoi polloi.  But MARTINIS??  High schoolers shouldn’t be seasoned enough drinkers that they know how to drink martinis. I didn’t make notes of anything else except that I felt bad for the dad.  God, I must be getting old.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians:  Saturday Night Live spoofs are a more accurate version of this show.  Watch that instead.  That wedding was pretty insane-o though.  Again, Saturday Night Live’s spoof was better.

Hannah Montana: Directly from my notes: OH GOD.  Painful. Both Jersey Shore and Hannah Montana have spinning ferris wheel interludes between scenes.  Not a good sign. But there’s also Miley singing “oohs” and “aahhs” and “yeahh yeahhs” during the interludes.  Also, they try to use big words and learn lessons about family and friendship, so I guess props for that.

Note taking is nice and all and it kept me from going totally insane, but the important thing is the slang (or lack thereof).  Here’s the piddly bit of information I gleaned from all that TV consumption:

  • Guido – something to do with very tan pseudo Jersey Italians.
  • Guidette – big boobed version of that thing a Guido is. Still don’t know if either is desirable.
  • G.T.L. – Gym, tan, laundry.  Guido/guidette motto.  I get the gymming and tanning, but not necessarily the laundering.
  • Bro – still a usable term.
  • OMG – still a usable term.
  • pre-game – Most everyone should know this.  If not, here’s Urban Dictionary’s definition.

That was pretty much all I learned from watching those shows.  LAME.  (I did not learn if using “lame” was still acceptable.)

Next I went to Texts From Last Night to see if I could find some slang I hadn’t heard before.  I mean, surely a site that boasts ads from American Apparel (Nipple Baring Body suits! Chiffon Shirts!  Assless Mom Pants! Dance! Bows! Sweater Vests!) and Schick’s new “What’s your dating trimstyle?” line of razors (I don’t even have a joke for that, it’s so weird to begin with) would have something to teach me, right?  Surprisingly, through the 26 pages I read, I could not find anything that wasn’t a part of the common vernacular (the litmus test I used for that was: have I seen someone use this word or phrase on Facebook?).

Then I went hunting around the internet.  I found a pretty decent amount of “so now that you’re a parent, here’s how to unwittingly and painfully embarrass and scar your child for life by teaching you how to incorrectly use their jargon.”  These articles did not apply to me as I am neither a parent, nor stupid. I did find some helpful articles on slang, though.  Here are some of the words I got from those:

  • requestion – stupidest slang word ever.  It’s the bastard child of “request” and “question.”  This means that a requestion is a question that’s actually a request. Ex:I have a requestion: Can I borrow your black Loubs tonight? (no guys, it’s not what you think)
  • swagger jacker – someone who steals another’s ideas, style, jokes, etc… and tries to pass it off as their own.
  • on the regs – short for ‘on the regular.’  ‘On the regular’ means regularly.  Why don’t the children just friggin say that?
  • the ews – instead of saying “ew, that’s gross,”  now we’re supposed to say something like, “that gave me the ews.”   I can honestly say this whole thing is starting to give me the ews.

The other thing I learned whilst perusing the web was that a lot of current slang is what most people already know and use.  Generally, these things that relate to ubiquitous technologies, references to specific tv shows and movies, and slang that just has a higher longevity.  Some examples:

  • Facebooking, Facebooked
  • Tweeting, Tweeted
  • Eff, What the Eff?, WTF?
  • The hell?
  • Mouthbreather
  • Belligerent

So there you have it. Some real life slang used by real life tweeners. I think, though, that I’m just going to start using this guy’s wordivations (take that you dumb tweens!  I can make shit up, too!):  tomhaverfoods.com

Fruit Loops are Proud Cheerios

If you’d like to learn more, here are some links (in addition to Urban Dictionary, which was linked above):

http://www.esquire.com/features/funny-slang-language-dictionary/current-slang-dictionary-1109

http://www.slangsite.com/slang/R.html

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/guide-to-tween-slang2.htm

http://www.good.is/post/do-you-speak-college-slang/